Real ads as I search for an apartment-mate.

10 Mar

“I am a Personal Trainer seeking a fitness oriented roommate in Manhattan. I am 43, 6’2″, 185 and about 6% body fat. Love to train and live a healthy lifestyle. I am really looking for a good friend who needs a short/long term roommate and wants to get in amazing physical condition. I need to live with someone that shares my obsession with being healthy and looking great. I work out every day. Hopefully, if things work out well, I could be your permanent roommate and good friend. I have supplements too. You never have to buy any again. Again, I am looking for a guy who loves looking ripped, meeting people and is into fitness. Thanks so much. I am can live with anyone who loves fitness and likes to look amazing. Let’s make it happen.”

My thought: Is this can of frosting yours or mine?

********

“I am looking to move back to NY! And now is the time to just jump in
and begin to live the dream. I am a theatre person; however, my life doesn’t necessarily revolve around that. I love meeting and co-existing with all types of people. Sort of like the Bohemian lifestyle in RENT (Haven’t seen RENT? Check it out at New World Stages Off-Broadway)”

My thought: And what, ‘Maureen,’ would you say your life DOES revolve around?

********

“Nice man. non-smoker, non-pet guy, guest house worker, occasional nudist, chill dude, home type guy.”

My thought: Uh, UMM, I’m sorry. Go back two?

********

“I am a married father of a 2 year old. I’m moving because I am sick of constant complaints about the baby being noisy.”

My thought: Oh for God’s sake then, come on OVER!

********

“We are a couple – Gary and Fay – looking for a place to call home.
We do not smoke, do not drink (don’t mind those that do), have mostly vegetarian/fish-only diet. We currently live in a collective house that is running out on its lease. We dumpster dive, so expect lots of food. We love cooking up a meal!
Fay is an artist and a web designer for human rights organization. Currently she attends the Cooper Union for art, focusing on painting and video. She bikes, and is rarely home.
Gary is a musician, who plays the guitar, the clarinet, and the harmonica, and busks with a cute puppet named Andy Arnold. He dumpster dives and meditates, and loves collaborating on music.”

My thought: Cook that crap in here again and you’re gonna find that fuckin’ puppet in the garbage next time you happen to go shit-snorkeling.

********

“Hi, I am Giuseppe, an Italian orthopaedic surgeon.”

My thought: No thought. Can’t stop laughing long enough to form one.

********

“21 year old exotic black honey would like a free nice room to stay at in Manhattan every now and then I visit the city.In exchange,I am willing to give you a good time.Please reply with photos of the room. Manhattan only please.”

My thought: She’s willing to “give you a good time,” but wants photos “of the room.” Bless her indiscriminating heart.

********

“Hello
39 year Old slovakian german guy
I need a room as of 2/2012
More: I’m a good person (lived in manhattan for 9 of my 39 years )
Left November 28th to see my Family In The midwest
So more about me I’m 39 years old about 6″3 light brown hair with hazel eyes and weigh about 220 pounds, 39.
So email me any questions.”

My thought: So. Tell me more about you. How old are you?

********

“47 year old white male—NO CRIMINAL RECORD or DRUG USE. I got swindled from inheritance and am left with nothing. will help anyway around apt .Please i just need a place to sleep and shower and occasionally heat up food.”

My thought.: NO CRIMINAL RECORD? OR DRUG USE? Glad you opened with that, even though you are shouting like we suspect you might not believe it.

********

“I have 2 cats, and 1 of them is deformed. I have to move by March 1 to (or close to) Manhattan. I’m a dog-walker and a portrait artist. I’m clean, I recycle, and I’m looking for like minded roomies.”

My thought: Like-minded roomies who don’t mind cats with cleft palettes like that LAST jerk.

********

“I have a cat and a dog and the dog is the cat’s pajamas and the cat is the dog’s eye – is the euphemism, Nietzche and Simba love each other and you will love them too. I work the internet. My dog sleeps. My cat howls. I eat vegan. My girlfriend visits Fridays. I don’t smoke tobacco. I play music.”

My thought: He doesn’t smoke tobacco. But clearly, anything else flammable.

********

“I’m looking for a room for as soon as possible. I can only afford 500/600 month, everything included. I’m quiet, I will probably be working all the time as well. I have a good shoulder on my head and am going to school in the fall.”

My thought: Points for anatomy.

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One Response to “Real ads as I search for an apartment-mate.”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Day 18: Blog Love | Between Roots and Wings - June 18, 2014

    […] also get dispatches from life in New York City. The “Real ads as I search for an apartment-mate” are so good that you have to believe that they cannot be made […]

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