More chewables.

14 Mar

Over dinner I was given an exhaustive tutorial on how to gut and mount a deer as instructed by a fifteen-year-old young woman from Arkansas.

The teacher on my tour this week is The Great Santini. Head of the school’s ROTC Program, he turns all of my directions into directives. “We’ll meet at 8AM” “We’ll meet at 0800hours.” “You can go as far north as 48th Street and as far south as 42nd Street.” “Stay within the perimeter.” “Here comes our subway train!” “Fall into formation!” Part of me wants to hire him, part of me wants to mutiny.

And another page has turned: The kids always write me very sweet notes. Up until this year, there was always the occasional “And we think you’re cute.” This year, I’ve been roundly demoted to “hilarious.”

Does anyone else find it as amusing as I did that the man on the treadmill next to me at the gym tonight was reading a book called FULLY PRESENT?

I have several schools on this tour, some are in Middle School, some are in High School. While waiting for something or other and wilting in the heat, I asked little Kimberly in what year was she born. “1999,” she answered. To which Marc replied, astonished, “1999? I was in third grade already in 1999.” Third grade. As no one else was around, I grabbed Marc by the collar, threw him up against the wall of Saks Fifth Avenue and growled, “Shut the FUCK up.” Luckily, Marc shares my sense of humor.

Whiny Wendy:”Why can’t we go to DASH?” Cranky Me: “Hashtag Because I Hate the Kardashians.”

On the E Train, I did 10 pull-ups. So Parker did 12. So I did 14. So Parker did 16. So I did 20. Then? Parker couldn’t get past 17. in your face Parker, you and your fourteen years. In your FACE.

After speaking for a solid hour on the majesty, history, art, and architecture of The Cathedral of St. John the Divine, I finished by asking if there were any questions. A white-haired sea hag of a woman shouted, “Will the bus be in the same place?” I was so pissed off I shouted back, “I’m not quite sure. I’ve been stuck in here with you the whole time.”

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2 Responses to “More chewables.”

  1. Mary Rives Brown March 14, 2012 at 11:00 pm #

    I think I am going to give up my cable subscription. This is soooo much better.

    • Necessarily Cruel Coot March 18, 2012 at 2:34 pm #

      And commercial free!

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