Ma belle.

14 Apr

-Hi,

I am very interested in your advertized apt.

I am European born and raised, American citizen, half French and half Turkish. Love to travel, I will be spending about 2-2.5 sometimes 3 weeks out of a month traveling for my job and weekends definitely in New York -that I love!-(during summer I may be out during the weekends as well) I work as marketing and management consultant on a project basis meanwhile developing my own product line of holistic beauty products.

I am very quite, private, cool and respectful, clean but not neat freak; sociable and charitable as well but I don’t bring the party at home. I don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs of any kind.
One question for you: do you work out of home or do you have an office? OK, the second question is: How is your schedule like?

Please kindly get back to me when you can, if you are interested, obviously.

Thank you.

Bests,
Michelle

Despite her dubious grammar and while it was unclear to me why a woman who spends two to three weeks out of town was concerned about my schedule or whether I would be parked in the kitchen hours on end hogging the space and surrounded by imaginary files, I wrote back:

-Dear Michelle,

Thank you for your inquiry!

I work long hours outside of the apartment, and am often away months at a time myself. My schedule varies from season to season.

I’m showing the apartment this weekend and would be pleased to meet you if you have available time. Should you not, I’m sure we can find another time to see the space.

Best regards!
NC

After sending this e-mail three times, it was bounced back to me each time. I thought perhaps she had a filter on her account, so I wrote once more:

-Dear Michelle,

I responded to your e-mail, but it was returned unsuccessfully.

Sorry for any confusion, and best of luck,
NC

A minute later, this arrived, and the string of e-mails that follow:

-I don’t know who you are, that’s what I kept receiving from you (3 times so far, see below)

-Michelle,
I was responding to your inquiry about my apartment.
NC

-You are NOT responding, you keep sending me blank pages.

-Michelle,

As I mentioned, your account was not receiving the texts of my e-mails.

Best of luck to you.
NC

-How am I receiving your emails now, then?

-Michelle,

I’m not quite sure. Life is curious. Life in cyber-space is a total mystery.

Best,
NC

-FUCK YOU WEIRDO!!

-Michelle

Wow. You sound like an EXCELLENT candidate for an apartment share.

We must talk.
NC

-IDIOTIC MORON, YOU CAN’T EVEN MANAGE SENDING A SIMPLE EMAIL. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOOD FOR?
TOTAL WASTE OF A FUCKING HUMAN!!! FUCK OFF!!!!

Dear Michelle,

While I’ve never been to Turkey and realize your screed may pass for terms of endearment in Istanbul, I have been to France and your tone is foreign and slightly confusing in light of your search for amenable housing were you even willing to settle on a refrigerator box in Central Park. Your proclivity for caps and exclamation points is acrobatic, however, in something of a sophomoric coup.

Heaven help the poor dolt who ever lets you cross their threshold. I wouldn’t trust you with the key to my worst friend’s mailbox.

Good wishes!
NC


-YOU TRY TO SPEAK, LEARN TO TYPE FUCKING IDIOTIC ONE CELL BRAINED FREAK.!!!
DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN, DIRTY FUCKING ANIMAL!!!!
FUCK OFF FREAK!!!!

-Oh Michelle,

I think I’m in love. Tell me more of your charms in that feral fricative forked tongue of yours, that I might fully imagine you sharing my home and shitting all over the walls and ceiling. I’m off to purchase a tarp so you can smear your feces around with your thumbless mitt regardless of any sanitary reprisal. Oh, to hell with the tarp. I know they normally come without instruction and I’d hate to tax your overburdened intellect any further.

Affectionately,
NC

-I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU ARE:
YOU ARE A FREAK OF NATURE, DISGUSTING ANIMAL WHO CAN’T EVEN GET AN EMAIL STRAIGHT. YOU ARE A FUCKING RETARD. YOU ARE A PIECE OF DIRT, A PITIFUL TRASH. YOU MAKE PEOPLE BARF ON YOU, WE ARE JUST TOO POLITE TO ACTUALLY DO THAT YOU ARE A DISGUSTING MORONIC IDIOTIC DIRT BAG.

My dearest Liebschien,

“Too polite” were the very first words that came to mind as I read your last loving e-mail. Please try to overlook my endless shortcomings as I am now smitten beyond anything I’ve yet to experience save my momentary obsession with Madeleine Albright in ’92. I’ve told the doorman to let you up immediately and hope you jump in a cab or on your broom as quickly as possible while I light candles and toss rose petals about in heady anticipation of your arrival. In the meantime, I am instructing myself in the vagaries of the internet in the unlikely event I might gain an equal footing with someone as extraordinarily eloquent as you. You are a coy one, Michelle, ensnaring me with what any other person with a minor in psychology might think of as psychosis, wending your way into the deepest part of my heart and home. Just think of the nights we will spend together that one week a month you are here and calling me a scumbag as loudly as your punctuation indicates.

Is it getting hot in here?
NC


-YOU ARE NOT EVEN HUMAN. YOU ARE AN ANIMAL!!!!
DISGUSTING, SKIN CRAWLING, DIRTY ANIMAL!!!!
THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE.

Oh Michelle,

PLEASE memorize that so you might whisper it “quitely” in my ear over and over again only slower and as clearly as you can muster despite your mouthful of half-chewed lithium tablets while you slather me with your holistic jams and jellies.

Longingly,
NC

-FUCK OFF!!

-Sybil,

http://www.interlakepsychiatry.com/

NC

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27 Responses to “Ma belle.”

  1. wheresmytbackandotherstories April 14, 2012 at 6:27 am #

    Now that was a more than hysterical. Remind me to name my next cat ‘Ma-belle’. Have a lovely weekend, NC

    Eva

    • NC Coot April 14, 2012 at 8:03 pm #

      If it weren’t true, it’d be funnier.

      Thanks as ever, Eva!

  2. transparentguy April 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    See if she has a sister for me.

    • NC Coot April 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

      LOVE that.

  3. Cindy April 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm #

    It just seems wrong that your miserable interaction should bring me so much happiness. As always, your perspective and wit slay me.

    • NC Coot April 14, 2012 at 7:32 pm #

      Some things are so wrong they are right. xoNC

  4. Andrew Bellware April 14, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    “Michelle” is a man, no?

    • NC Coot April 14, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

      You’d think.

  5. Montserrat Mendez April 14, 2012 at 8:31 pm #

    Obviously, Coot, this is all your fault! 😉

    • NC Coot April 14, 2012 at 8:32 pm #

      I’m “this” close to posting her phone number.

  6. sweetmother April 14, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    ok, coot. how, oh HOW have i not read your blog before? i don’t even totally know what this post is – meaning did it really happen or is it unbelievably brilliant fiction…regardless, i know that it is glorious. GLORIOUS. holy toledo. i am now pushing the follow button. good bye, kind sir. good bye and that a-hole probably has a roach filled nest that you don’t want to live in anyway…mother

    • NC Coot April 14, 2012 at 9:47 pm #

      It happened. Full disclosure, I did one edit to change a word I overused. But it happened. I even had a nightmare about it.

      I’m so glad we;re connected now!

  7. Fay Moore April 14, 2012 at 10:50 pm #

    Hilarious!

    • NC Coot April 15, 2012 at 3:38 am #

      Aww, thank you Faye! You’re a doll.

  8. Mary Rives Brown April 14, 2012 at 11:31 pm #

    David Thorne would be so envious that you got this rich content instead of him! Mmmmmm, lucky you!

    • NC Coot April 15, 2012 at 3:38 am #

      As soon as this began unfolding, I thought, “I’m having a David Thorne experience!”

  9. Sherry April 14, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

    Thank you for sharing the absurdity of human life forms so we can all laugh and realize that the zealots and bullies and idiots of this world are not just picking on us.

    • NC Coot April 15, 2012 at 3:37 am #

      I’m DYING to meet her. I’d throw a dime in her path just to watch her turn on it.

  10. pouringmyartout April 15, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    That was awesome. If you get any better at acidic sarcasm, your tongue will dissolve.

    • NC Coot April 15, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

      If this acid reflux is any indication of my future, you may be piecing me together with paper clips and bubble gum. Thanks, P!

  11. livinginfairyland April 16, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

    You were pretty brave! But very funny. I would’ve been scared to provoke such a moronic firebrand!

    • NC Coot July 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

      I’ve been looking over my shoulder ever since. How kind you are to write!

  12. Miss Dilly April 18, 2012 at 2:10 am #

    You had me rolling with laughter! I’m not sure I can believe this actually happened. If it wasn’t so funny I might lose a little faith in humanity.

    • NC Coot April 18, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      It actually happened. I even excised some of HER language that I felt was offensive, and given the bar she set, just imagine….

  13. Richard Daybell April 18, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    What an amazing exchange of subtle wit. I want to hear more about your momentary obsession with Madeline Albright.

    • NC Coot April 18, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

      I always admired Madeleine’s choice of a brooch.

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