The women in my life today.

7 Jun

At The Metropolitan Museum of Art this morning, I was checking my group in at the Uris Educational Center when the clerk said, “Next?” and seeing no one stepping forward, I did and presented my paperwork. He began giving me my admission buttons. A woman with a another group and a fistful of mismanaged crinkled paperwork stumbled forward all agog with disarray and panic and said, “What do I do now?” The clerk said, “As I told you before, fill out your voucher and I’ll be with you as soon as I finish with this gentleman” meaning me. The woman said, “You mean this guy who just cut in front of me?” The clerk told her I did not cut in front of her, but nothing really needed to be said because I had shot her a look that could have cauterized the severed jugular I saw on her neck in my head. I moved slowly past her, eerily close, handed the buttons out to my students, then instructed them and loudly, “Now follow me to the right of this extremely passive-aggressive woman.” Which was extremely passive-aggressive of me, but fuck it. Quid pro quo.

After our visit, forty-eight of us piled on to the nearly empty M4 bus down Fifth Avenue. Now, I know it is a pain in the ass to have a huge group get on your bus. But we live in NYC. It happens. The students were actually pretty well behaved and I stood there dropping in their Metro Cards in while we moved south so we didn’t even hold anyone up. Finally seated, the woman next to me said, “I’m getting off here” in rather neutral tones. I told my group as kindly as I have ever mustered to “Please make room for this nice woman stepping off.” She turned to me and spat, “This isn’t a private bus, you know,” shaking her palsied wrinkled head. I said and loudly, “I know, and they all paid the full public price unlike your senior half-fare,” then continued and louder, “Please make room for this crab everyone.” Which was crabby of me, but she got in a parting shot.

When’s the last time an eighty-something-year old woman flipped YOU off?

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30 Responses to “The women in my life today.”

  1. Eva June 7, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    Hi NC!

    Oh yes, it takes all kinds. What I’m certain is that I do not want to grow old that way – like the women in your life today. So nice to see your first post for the month. Will be watching out for more.

    Best,

    Eva

    • NC Coot June 7, 2012 at 9:42 pm #

      Thank you, Eva! You won’t grow old that way. You’re too kind.

  2. ribbie June 7, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

    Nothing like having the last word at 85.

    • NC Coot June 7, 2012 at 9:43 pm #

      LOL! It is one of the perks of membership: You can throw your editor out of your head!

  3. Andrew June 7, 2012 at 9:59 pm #

    Like recently or just in general?

    • NC Coot June 7, 2012 at 10:02 pm #

      Recently and specifically.

  4. The Wanderlust Gene June 7, 2012 at 10:07 pm #

    Two encounters in one day? You must be feeling better! That’s good – you’ve been missed:)

    • NC Coot June 7, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

      I’ve missed you, too! I’m busy catching up on all your wonderful words!

  5. robincoyle June 7, 2012 at 11:01 pm #

    OMG! I forgot about you! Have you not posted in a while? I am shooting you a look that would quash the fires of hell.

    • NC Coot June 7, 2012 at 11:04 pm #

      Robin, forget me not! I’m sorry I was away. I’m here to catch your forgiving glares.

      • robincoyle June 7, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

        I am so glad you are back. Your humor tickles me. I forgive you.

      • NC Coot June 7, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

        I am relieved by your kindness. Despite any number of theologies, hell is often only temporary.

  6. Joe Pineda June 7, 2012 at 11:32 pm #

    Certainly missed you posting. Great stories as always. I get the sense one day we’ll hear about some terrifying, cataclysmic fist fight.

    • NC Coot June 7, 2012 at 11:41 pm #

      Right? Me and a ninety-year-old woman. And she’ll take me down. And it’ll be my final humiliation.

      I’m going to spend the rest of the upcoming weekend catching up on :

      http://bardofsteel.wordpress.com/

      And I recommend the same weekend to any lover of language and artful storytelling.

      • Joe Pineda June 7, 2012 at 11:46 pm #

        Haha. Thanks for the blurb! You know it’s always appreciated.

  7. Hardy June 8, 2012 at 2:03 am #

    Watch out. There is a special cohort of guardian angels dedicated to protecting old bitches and pricks.

    I join the chorus of those above. I have missed your blubs, too.

    • NC Coot June 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

      Thank you so much! I’m pleased to hear I have my own set of guardian angels!

  8. Joanna June 8, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    you are a genius.

    • NC Coot June 8, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

      You are a flatterer and I need you in my life.

  9. Dugutigui June 8, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    Marcus Aurelius quoted that there are three classes into which all the women past seventy were to be divided:
    1. That dear old soul
    2. That old woman
    3. That old witch
    It seems to me that your lucky number of the day was 3.

    • NC Coot June 8, 2012 at 4:58 pm #

      Broomsticks everywhere, D. But today was vastly better.

      • Dugutigui June 8, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

        Hopefully!!!

  10. pouringmyartout June 12, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

    Old ladies flip me off all the time, but in a sweet loving way. Passive aggressiveness and crabbiness should remain an art form, so keep up the good work.

    • NC Coot June 13, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

      Why thank you, my friend. Tell me more of the sweet loving flip-off. Perhaps I’m imperceptive to such subtlety.

      • pouringmyartout June 13, 2012 at 7:44 pm #

        It may actually be more of a come on… or I am just really an asshole… I can be as unperceptive as the next 500 guys…

      • NC Coot June 14, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

        Likely the former.

      • pouringmyartout June 14, 2012 at 9:40 pm #

        Still a little creepy…

  11. transparentguy June 15, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    This is hilarious. I dream of moments like this.

  12. transparentguy June 15, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

    P.S. I’d like for you to come Florida and be my spokesperson for a couple of days.

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