My annual letter.

31 Dec

Happy New Year!

It sure was an eventful year for this household! All seven of the children I never had have finished college and are employed variously with impressive jobs that end in ‘-ogist’ and ‘-analyst.’ Except for Becky of course who for all we can tell does something with Burning Man but neither I nor her mother who doesn’t exist can read Becky’s penmanship on all the letters that never come.

The varicose vein on my leg looked so troubling in July that I sought medical attention. Again that week. (I’m looking at apartments above his office by the way.) The doctor began to tell me that “they are due to” and I finished his sentence, “heredity” but apparently I was wrong as it takes much less time to say “age” than it does “heredity.”

I just purchased two thousand dollars of bed bug insurance because I continue to love living here in New York City. As a further example, my new next door neighbor is a woman named Donna and Donna throws a party every Sunday night. I was going to say ‘religiously’ but you may have gotten the wrong impression. It sounds like frat boys murdering dignity. And a mule. Anyway, I see Donna on the elevator nearly every day and we smile and exchange occasional small talk which is only made possible because I’ve maintained my anonymity the four times I’ve called the police on her.

This was a big year for reunions! While I didn’t attend any, it was fun throwing away all the pleas for money so that the next generation of Bucknellians can live in dorms that resemble a suite at the Essex House instead of my accommodations in Kress Hall which looked like Rikers. In defense of Rikers, Kress smelled worse.

Had you been in my living room this year, you’d have seen me in dozens of productions as my career seems to have turned a corner reaching a level of maturity and finesse I can’t seem to recapture as I turn the corner into my bathroom.

I also made the leap to a smart phone this year and feel quite full of myself and I won’t let the fact that I’ve recently left three credit cards in ATMs with this new fucking chip technology dampen my spirits.

I’m wishing you all joy in 2016. I live in the most fortified Times Square I’ve ever seen. I’d be thrilled to wake up in 2016.


3 Responses to “My annual letter.”

  1. ikroot December 31, 2015 at 7:00 PM #

    And a curmudgeonly Happy New Year to you! Just one question: where did you find bed bug insurance in NYC for only $2000?

  2. MaryRivesBrown December 31, 2015 at 10:01 PM #

    May your New Year be as brilliantly witty as your post!

  3. Keith Merritt January 2, 2016 at 4:59 PM #

    as awesome and hilarious as usual my friend. hope a great year awaits you. including a trip to three rivers california to endure every sort of animal and bit of nature imaginable.

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